If the Relief Society Weren't so Matriarchal....

....I might have planned my life to be a working mom.

Oh hey!  I'm Janelle, Benjamin's wife.  I'm guest-posting today, sharing my perspective on his most recent blog post.

Okay, before you all have a heart attack, yes, stay-at-home moms work.  I know.  I'm one of them.  You know what I mean by "working mom": a mom who goes out to work at an office-type setting every day.  A 9-5er.

Before I explain myself, I need to give a disclaimer/warning on this post: there are some skeletons in this particular closet.  The doors are opening, reluctantly.

Skeleton #1: I have ADHD.  No really.  I know.  It's shocking, right?  You never would have guessed.  I also suffer from depression, though not a severe form.  I was diagnosed with both at the age of 21.  I spent my school years floundering without direction, and succeeding only because my patient mother kept at me, much to both of our chagrin at the time.  I'm a two-time college dropout, due to a lack of self-motivation. As an ADHDer, I thrive best under pressure and with routine and structure.  It's hard to come by those things from within.

Skeleton #2: I'm also a really terrible housekeeper.  Seriously.  I don't offer to host playdates very often because the house is never clean.  I rarely even invite people over for dinner anymore, which is actually a bummer.  I get easily overwhelmed, and when I have too much to do, I just sit and do none of it.  Kind-of like when you're going on a trip, and you start your laundry at 10:00 the night before, and then pack an hour before you're ready to pull out of the driveway.  You don't do that?  Well, I do.

Skeleton #3: (deep breath) My name is Janelle, and I'm addicted to the computer.  I don't say it lightly, though it sounds like I'm making light.  My friends often tease that I'm the first to respond to emails because I'm always on the computer.  I don't think they realize just how much I actually am on the computer during the day.  I'm on Facebook, email, forums, playing logic games, etc.  All. Day. Long.  It's really hard for me to say this out loud, because it's definitely skeletal, and not something I'm proud of.  The best days are when I have a LOT to do (see structure under #1), and I don't have opportunities to be on the computer.




Okay, now that I've laid all that out (and am apparently a really lame person), let's tie it all together.

I can create chore charts and checklists for myself -- and I have -- that work well.  For about four months at a time.  I'll be honest.  When it comes to housework, I have little motivation with regard to accountability.  I know that it's disappointing to Benjamin (and to myself, yes) when the house is a mess, but I also know that he's not going to fire me for it.  At least, he hasn't yet.  I trust that he'll always forgive me, and for that reason, I don't try quite as hard.  Also, though I can plan out our days, and schedule activities, etc., true structure is lacking in at-home parenting.  I find myself, much as in school, floundering without direction or motivation.

Before Bug was born, I was a working woman.  I enjoyed that I could come home at the end of a workday, and tick off specific things that I accomplished that day.  If I was frustrated or fed up, there was usually a specific and identifiable cause I could address or ignore.

Each time Benjamin has spent extended time at home with our girls, he has made a specific effort at housework.  While I attended Girls Camp two years in a row a few years back, he cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, and cleaned the kitchen while I was gone (he worked during the day and had Bug with a babysitter, but he had her in the evenings and still managed to do these things).  This week, he cleaned the garage (which involved removing everything from it, sorting, rearranging, etc.), weeded a garden bed then planted it, started digging a trench behind the garage to promote better drainage, fed our girls, took walks with them, bathed them, played games with them, and even managed to strategically get a nap in while they both napped.

If I were the breadwinner in my family, I see several changes that might happen:

(1) Housekeeping would be less of an issue.  Benjamin is much more self-driven than I am.  He notices the messes more (in fairness, maybe he'd begin to notice it less as he spent more everyday time in it).

(2) Ben works better with specific ages than I do.  He understands better than I do the best ways to talk to Bug on her level, and to help her understand things a little more long-term.  He understands child psychology better than I do.  Part of that is study, but I think part of it is just a spiritual gift.

(3) Our girls would have more active days.  Instead of playing solo or watching TV most of the day (which happens when I'm on the computer all day long), they'd go out more.  Maybe it would be outside in the yard.  Maybe it would be the park.  Maybe it would be museums or the zoo.  But they would have more active childhoods.

(4) I would miss my girls.  I did miss them this week.  I think, though, that if I were in a position where being gone all day was a regular occurrence, as opposed to a sudden week out of nowhere, I would get used to it.  There would still be a little pull on my heart, but I'd acclimate.

(5) I'd spend more quality time with my family.  This seems counter-intuitive, but let me explain.  If I had a "real" job where I was already on the computer most of the day, it's not that big of a deal to have Facebook running in the background.  When I got home at the end of the workday, I'd be less likely to hop on the computer right away, and more likely to actually spend time with Benjamin and the girls.  Currently, Ben and I chat on Google Talk throughout the day.  Not all day everyday, but often.  Knowing that he would be on the computer far less than I am, I wouldn't be chatting with him nearly as much, which would result in more real conversations in the evenings.

(6) Weekends would be better.  Benjamin can't do huge home improvement projects with the girls hanging on, but he can do smaller ones.  Currently, in any given month, Ben is gone one Saturday camping, working around the house 2-3 others, and we spend family time together (hiking, playing, whatever) one weekend, though it may be only half a day.  If Ben weren't working on a series of small home improvement projects every weekend (because he was able to accomplish some of them during the week), we could have weekend that were filled more with fun and family than with work.

(7) Our garden would be happier.  He would weed it.

(8) I would be happier.  I can't say this definitively, but it's a possibility.  With so many perks (see above) of improved family home life, and the opportunity to have structure, routine, and specificity, I think I would thrive better, and be more satisfied with my life in general.  Again, I would miss my girls, but I think it's something I would adjust to.





So when Ben says, "So if Janelle ever finds a job that provides an equal or better living than mine, you'll find me at home with the girls," he's not booting me out of the house just because he wants to stay.  This is actually a topic we've discussed at length in the past, and again this week.  It's an arrangement that would work for us, and work well.